Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication by Oren Jay SoferMy rating: 5 of 5 stars
This is one of those books that I listened to as an audiobook but will probably get in print as it is full of useful and practical advice that I'll need to revisit (no doubt). Oren Jay Sofer grounds his work in the principles of Nonviolent Communication developed by Marshall Rosenberg. What I really appreciate about this book is how cleanly it intertwines philosophy and practice and maintains a realistic tone.
I found Chapter 4, in particular, really useful in terms of how he frames and discusses underlying beliefs and how those translate into exhibited behaviors. In Chapter 6, the discussion of empathy vs. sympathy was really eye-opening in the clear way that Sofer explains that empathy asks something of us, whereas sympathy is disconnecting from someone's pain, or could even be pity. I think a lot of people (myself included) can easily confuse the two, and empathy, frankly, requires some work. It is "three-dimensional": cognitive, affective, and somatic. He touches upon a similar topic in Chapter 13 where he focuses on sympathetic activation and what that looks (and feels like).
Sofer does understand that these techniques need to be paired with some sort of intuition. He pulls out anecdotes from his own life -- in this case a story about his grandfather and how his methodical application of questions to his grandfather got a bit lost in translation and his grandfather actually felt patronized. Sofer seems realistic that these things take practice and the ultimate goal is for organic communication. He offers exercises that can be practiced in a variety of situations, and a ton of added resources are available on his website.
There are a few extreme examples that didn't resonate as much. The story of the woman who "disarmed" an intruder using nonviolent communication principles irritated the cynic in me. Yes, certainly, I think it is always the right choice to try to communicate, if possible. But that's not always possible, and the intruder's response had a VERY high chance of being different, so I just don't find it that useful to use extreme examples as "evidence" for anything, ultimately.
Personally, the book helped me realize how often I have been a passive-aggressive communicator, and this is through the stories of everyday communication that Sofer shares. For Sofer, speaking, listening, and being in presence -- principles that Sofer outlines in the first chapter and then returns to in Chapter 12--are the key elements of the dance that is communication. I found it a helpful analogy to think of communication as a dance, and Sofer is fairly nuanced in considering contexts for those dances. Reaching mutual understanding first before heading into the problem solving phase of a conversation is one of the most potent aspects of what Sofer espouses. Sometimes we don't have the luxury of doing that, it is true, but to really let it inform a core understanding of communication might be a game-changer for some.
View all my reviews
No comments:
Post a Comment