2024 #49 The Five Keys to Mindful Communication (Chapman)

 

The Five Keys to Mindful Communication: Using Deep Listening and Mindful Speech to Strengthen Relationships, Heal Conflicts, and Accomplish Your Goals by Susan Gillis Chapman
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

While there are five keys, the entire book centers upon an idea of stoplights:

Go with the green light.
Stop when the light is red.
Be careful when the light is yellow.

The author returns to this model in each of the segments of the book so there is some continuity. There are plentiful examples of what constitutes these green, yellow, and red light moments, and the walkthrough of mindful presence, mindful listening, mindful speech, mindful relationship, and mindful action is pretty clear. If the reader is new to mindfulness practice, this should be used in tandem with a book on basic meditation and mindfulness practices, as Chapman does not provide detailed suggestions. She does mention metta (aka "loving-kindness meditation), and it gets fairly spiritual, with images of "loving Mother" and such. She peppers in plentiful metaphors and analogies, some that work better than others, although mileage will inevitably vary on that front. What seems most crucial is to understand the "Stop when the light is red" not as a call to withdraw or freeze, but to turn inward and to recognize what she calls "closed conversation" patterns. There are some concrete "tips" and ultimately, as is the case with almost all books on mindful communication, it really is about practicing so that things like "speaking from the I" become habitual. I found the "seasons" analogy least helpful (applied in regard to relationships), but again, I think some parts will resonate differently with others. She did offer something about wedding vows that I thought quite potent: vows are statements of intention, but the import of those statements is no at the moment they are uttered, but when you come to those places in the road where those vows are inevitably tested. Seems obvious, but perhaps mindful attention to those vows as operating in this way could curtail (for some) a trip down the wrong path.

The audiobook was narrated by Gabra Zackman, and I had to keep reminding myself that I was not listening to the author. She has the perfect voice for the material, and keeps even the more ethereal/spiritual topics at an even keel, without that saccharine vibe that infects other books in the genre. The book has journal exercises, but what I found most helpful are the "seven stepping stones" at the end of the book. Others may benefit more from the self-reflection. As with most of these books, there is nothing earth-shattering that defies common sense, but Chapman does an admirable job of providing the stoplight anchor as a metaphorical model to encourage us to put mindful communication into practice.



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2023 #5: Standing At the Edge: Finding Freedom Where Fear and Courage Meet (Joan Halifax)

 

Standing at the Edge: Finding Freedom Where Fear and Courage Meet by Joan Halifax
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Listening to this book was profoundly meaningful. I've admired Roshi Joan Halifax for her balance of earthy sensibility and intentional spirit-ness (which I use distinctively from spirituality). The book examines five "edge-states": altruism, empathy, integrity, respect, and engagement. In recognition of Thich Nhat Hanh's wise caution: "no mud, no lotus", Halifax unpacks each of these edge-states to dig into when altruism goes awry, when we can suffer empathic distress, recognizing empathy as a precursor to compassion (but not compassion itself), when mouthing off is just sanctimony and not principled moral outrage (integrity), and so much more. It would be enough for her just to speak to her own experiences--as a social justice advocate, a volunteer at maximum security penitentiaries, a hospice caregiver, a medical anthropologist and psychologist, founder of the Upaya Zen Center, and probably half a dozen other things I don't even know about. She brings in amazing stories, but also grounds a lot of what she shares in neuroscience and psychology. Roshi Joan is quick to credit all the various figures from whom she has learned (formally, and informally), and it is worth listening to the acknowledgements at the end of the book, because she says each name with intentionality and it is a very impressive list. She integrates introductions to concepts like Stephen Karpman's Drama Triangle, pathological altruism, the Hungry Ghost (in Buddhism), Darwin's original concept of natural selection unmodified by Spencer, David Halberstam's account of the self-immolation of Thích Quảng Đức in 1963, horizontal hostility/peer-aggression, Clark Strand's concept of meditating inside the life you have -- the list goes on. And even with all of this in there, her gentle but firm narration keeps it all digestible and meaningful.

Far from a feel-good self-help book, this is truly an honest investigation of what it is to be human. She offers some suggestions for practice, but ultimately she uses powerful metaphors (ending with a astounding story about her experiences at a charnel ground), storytelling, historical documentation, and scientific investigation, to help us grapple with our own condition(s). She holds up others: Fannie Lou Hamer, Florynce Kennedy, Laurance Rockefeller, and so many others. She shares their stories as well as her own. Roshi Joan offers a contemplative practice model to help guide us through these moments that challenge us at the edge, but one that is centered in active presence and acknowledgment of systemic injustice and our individual biases. This is not a stick-your-head-in-the-sand approach, but instead one of intentional centeredness to create spaces of mutuality and trust. I'll be returning to this often.

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2022 #38: Say What you Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication (Sofer)

 

Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication by Oren Jay Sofer
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This is one of those books that I listened to as an audiobook but will probably get in print as it is full of useful and practical advice that I'll need to revisit (no doubt). Oren Jay Sofer grounds his work in the principles of Nonviolent Communication developed by Marshall Rosenberg. What I really appreciate about this book is how cleanly it intertwines philosophy and practice and maintains a realistic tone.

I found Chapter 4, in particular, really useful in terms of how he frames and discusses underlying beliefs and how those translate into exhibited behaviors. In Chapter 6, the discussion of empathy vs. sympathy was really eye-opening in the clear way that Sofer explains that empathy asks something of us, whereas sympathy is disconnecting from someone's pain, or could even be pity. I think a lot of people (myself included) can easily confuse the two, and empathy, frankly, requires some work. It is "three-dimensional": cognitive, affective, and somatic. He touches upon a similar topic in Chapter 13 where he focuses on sympathetic activation and what that looks (and feels like).

Sofer does understand that these techniques need to be paired with some sort of intuition. He pulls out anecdotes from his own life -- in this case a story about his grandfather and how his methodical application of questions to his grandfather got a bit lost in translation and his grandfather actually felt patronized. Sofer seems realistic that these things take practice and the ultimate goal is for organic communication. He offers exercises that can be practiced in a variety of situations, and a ton of added resources are available on his website.

There are a few extreme examples that didn't resonate as much. The story of the woman who "disarmed" an intruder using nonviolent communication principles irritated the cynic in me. Yes, certainly, I think it is always the right choice to try to communicate, if possible. But that's not always possible, and the intruder's response had a VERY high chance of being different, so I just don't find it that useful to use extreme examples as "evidence" for anything, ultimately.

Personally, the book helped me realize how often I have been a passive-aggressive communicator, and this is through the stories of everyday communication that Sofer shares. For Sofer, speaking, listening, and being in presence -- principles that Sofer outlines in the first chapter and then returns to in Chapter 12--are the key elements of the dance that is communication. I found it a helpful analogy to think of communication as a dance, and Sofer is fairly nuanced in considering contexts for those dances. Reaching mutual understanding first before heading into the problem solving phase of a conversation is one of the most potent aspects of what Sofer espouses. Sometimes we don't have the luxury of doing that, it is true, but to really let it inform a core understanding of communication might be a game-changer for some.

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2022 #26 Happiness: Essential Mindfulness Practices (Thich Nhat Hanh)

 

Happiness: Essential Mindfulness Practices by Thich Nhat Hanh
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

As this is a very practice-based book, I'm not sure it is the best choice as an audiobook if one wants to have the information as a reference (and doesn't want to take notes). That said, there are some really choice and good practices...some of them particular to group settings (and adapted from those at Plum Village) and others that are generally good philosophies to carry. I find the ecumenical ties encouraging: the "Today's Day" practice, for example, is very much akin to the "Haec dies" of Christianity (This is the day that the Lord has made), and a lot of other traditions that ask us to live fully in the present day and be glad for it.

I appreciated the acknowledgement that not everyone can "walk" (when discussing the walking meditation), but would have preferred some more robust alternatives rather than suggesting those who cannot walk "support" those who can. This has been one of my concerns about physical practice of meditation over all---it can be ableist. I appreciate the more flexible approaches advocated by Ten Percent Happier and others in terms of having a choice of "anchors"--not just the breath. That said, I appreciate that a lot of what comes from Thich Nhat Hanh is echoed with a slightly more secular undertone at TPH.

I did find myself wondering how parents find some of his recommendations for parenting, as he does not have children, of course. I'm not a parent, but some of the recommendations struck me as very idealistic and probably better suited for something like Plum Village rather than a household, but I am speculating. I also wondered if some of the peacemaking approaches might enable people to stay in an abusive relationship, because everyone "suffers". He does address this at times, but I can imagine that someone who has had their sense of self so altered by abuse might interpret this as a responsibility merely to communicate their suffering, rather than escape from it.

Edoardo Ballerini's narration is calming in and of itself, and now I feel that I cannot remove his voice from my reading and understanding of Thich Nhat Hanh--this is not a bad thing. He makes listening to this work a rather meditative experience with peaceful intentionality.

This is a good overview of meditative practices that can be incorporated into every day life: eating, walking, resting, communicating....so "Happiness" is an apt title. As with most of Thich Nhat Hanh's works, the Buddhist foundations are there as a point of reference, not dogma, so there is much here for those that are looking to embrace a mindfulness practice without a religious connection.

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2022 #17 Being Peace (Nhat Hanh)

 

Being peace by Thich Nhat Hanh
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Originally published in 1987, Being Peace outlasts its post-Vietnam, Reagan-Era milieu for the most part. No doubt the many references to nuclear proliferation will seem a bit dated, but the wisdom is that suffering is indeed universal and timeless, so we need not jump far to find the proliferations and crises of our own time. Further, anyone aware of Nhat Hanh's work with the Vietnamese boat people will understand that this is not some monastic who sat on a cushion away from society, but instead a powerfully invested human being. For those skeptical about Buddhism, this book does much to explain that one should not be looking for "a Buddha from the outside" but instead, " it is our "own Buddha that calls us."

Thich Nhat Hanh is surprisingly witty at moments, slipping in a surreptitious lesson in a parenthetical comment: "The technique (if we must speak of a technique), is to be alive...". His blend of storytelling, poetry, and prose, makes this primer on some basic sutras and concepts of Buddhism extremely accessible. There are definitely worldly pleasures about which he has some strong feelings, and initially I rolled my eyes a bit at his disdain for television. However, when he says "telling the television to come colonize us"--that language made me understand. It isn't television, but how we use it to escape from the present, or rather WHEN we use it to escape from the present. He doesn't soapbox on this particular point, but I did find myself wondering what he thought of audiobooks...

Nhat Hanh died in January (2022), and we lost a voice that managed to move beyond dogma toward a practical understanding of being, really. In a rather slim volume (or short audiobook, if you prefer), he offers precepts (or rather "mindfulness trainings") of Thiền Buddhism, parsing (a bit) that which is monastic and that which can be followed by the layperson. I struggled a bit with his explanation regarding awareness of injustice, but not taking sides. His point, if I understand it, is that it isn't about absolution or even forgiveness, but to understand the universality of suffering and existence of compassion. This may be something I never quite internalize. However, I was very much struck by Mindfulness Training no. 11, wherein he compares compassion to a North Star---it is there to light the way and we move toward it, but like the North Star, we do not arrive AT it. This may seem like a more fanciful way to espouse "it is the journey, not the destination", and it is, but the poetry of his language seems more meaningful than your typical inspirational poster or Pinterest meme. His poem "Please call me by my true names" is a powerful moment, and I'd invite anyone to go to the Plum Village website to listen to him read it: https://plumvillage.org/articles/plea...

"I still arrive, in order to laugh and to cry,/to fear and to hope" he tells us in the poem. He quips later in the book "Don't just do something, sit there." And by the time we reach that point of learning, we get that it isn't some sort of cutesy verbal trinket because he has put much spirit and energy into explaining what "sit" means in the meditation tradition. We understand that a smile is a gift of the spirit, not an indication of happiness. Edoardo Ballerini captures the spirit of Nhat Hanh's voice, which truly smiles at us, like a Buddha. In fact, he tells us that if we must bring a Buddha home to adorn our breathing space, to be sure to find one that is smiling and relaxed. If we do not find such a beautiful Buddha, he tells us, then we should find a flower instead, because the flower is a Buddha.

This is not a book for someone looking for a guide to serious practice. It is, however, a book full of wisdom and grace, that can make connections for us if we just take the time to listen.

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2022 #15: Taming the Tiger Within (Thich Nhat Hanh)

 

Taming the Tiger Within: Meditations on Transforming Difficult Emotions by Thich Nhat Hanh
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

This is a series of aphorisms and meditations to help us ground ourselves when faced with their own anger. There isn't really an overarching sense of "book", but it functioned more as a long 45 minute meditation on the nature of our own anger and the impact it can have on those we love. Thich Nhat Hanh's wisdom is rooted in Buddhism, but shares much with many other meditative practices and religious ideas. While nothing was overly revelatory, the gentle narration and the reminders of meeting our own anger before reacting to it were helpful during a time of inner turmoil.

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2021 #13: 10% Happier (Harris)

 

10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in My Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works by Dan Harris
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Truly this is more of a memoir than a self-help book and I was glad of that. Harris is witty, and although his adverse reactions to the "touchy-feely" stuff have become a bit of a schtick for him, his practical application of his own come to... Buddha?...moments, is inspiring for its realness. The book is structured really well as it follows Campbell's Hero's journey more or less, although notably cycling back through departure here and there.

I came to the book AFTER learning about the app, which I have used daily for over a year, on the recommendation of my best friend. I've just recently started engaging with the podcast. Normally I'd be cautious of the enterprise of it all, but I do think Harris has keyed into something really important here. Enlightenment is not the goal, but finding the benefits of--as chapter 10 so elegantly notes-- "not being a dick" is more healthy than you might think. Harris walks us through many of the "typical" meditation experiences: reading/meeting Eckhart Tolle, reading/meeting Deepak Chopra...and chapter 7 takes us along for his first multi-day meditation retreat. For folks who squirm at the mere thought of a meditation retreat--this chapter is for you--and no, not because it might sell you on the idea of going to a retreat (it probably won't).

Harris's casual style and humble honesty about his own struggles is very effective in helping craft something that isn't a typical self-help book, but instead one of those stories to which almost everyone can find a way to connect. Some of the best nuggets are not about meditation, but about life--whether it is getting glued back to his iPhone directly after the retreat ("The habits of a lifetime reassert themselves with astonishing speed...." (150)), or noting the 90% challenges ("The ego, that slippery son of a bitch, would use fatigue as an opportunity to sneak past my weakened defenses." (204)). Harris's own self-consciousness is the real delight and lesson here---the memoir is an exercise in mindfulness, albeit not of the present moment. But if we can learn to seek out clarity of what is happening in the present moment, it bodes well for the future that will inevitably see these presents as pasts.