2024 #49 The Five Keys to Mindful Communication (Chapman)

 

The Five Keys to Mindful Communication: Using Deep Listening and Mindful Speech to Strengthen Relationships, Heal Conflicts, and Accomplish Your Goals by Susan Gillis Chapman
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

While there are five keys, the entire book centers upon an idea of stoplights:

Go with the green light.
Stop when the light is red.
Be careful when the light is yellow.

The author returns to this model in each of the segments of the book so there is some continuity. There are plentiful examples of what constitutes these green, yellow, and red light moments, and the walkthrough of mindful presence, mindful listening, mindful speech, mindful relationship, and mindful action is pretty clear. If the reader is new to mindfulness practice, this should be used in tandem with a book on basic meditation and mindfulness practices, as Chapman does not provide detailed suggestions. She does mention metta (aka "loving-kindness meditation), and it gets fairly spiritual, with images of "loving Mother" and such. She peppers in plentiful metaphors and analogies, some that work better than others, although mileage will inevitably vary on that front. What seems most crucial is to understand the "Stop when the light is red" not as a call to withdraw or freeze, but to turn inward and to recognize what she calls "closed conversation" patterns. There are some concrete "tips" and ultimately, as is the case with almost all books on mindful communication, it really is about practicing so that things like "speaking from the I" become habitual. I found the "seasons" analogy least helpful (applied in regard to relationships), but again, I think some parts will resonate differently with others. She did offer something about wedding vows that I thought quite potent: vows are statements of intention, but the import of those statements is no at the moment they are uttered, but when you come to those places in the road where those vows are inevitably tested. Seems obvious, but perhaps mindful attention to those vows as operating in this way could curtail (for some) a trip down the wrong path.

The audiobook was narrated by Gabra Zackman, and I had to keep reminding myself that I was not listening to the author. She has the perfect voice for the material, and keeps even the more ethereal/spiritual topics at an even keel, without that saccharine vibe that infects other books in the genre. The book has journal exercises, but what I found most helpful are the "seven stepping stones" at the end of the book. Others may benefit more from the self-reflection. As with most of these books, there is nothing earth-shattering that defies common sense, but Chapman does an admirable job of providing the stoplight anchor as a metaphorical model to encourage us to put mindful communication into practice.



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2024 #34 High Conflict (Ripley)

 

High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out by Amanda Ripley
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I read this book because I'm going to be facilitating a conversation about it at work, and I found it far more interesting than I imagined. Ripley offers a variety of case studies: an attorney-turned-mediator, a gang member, a Colombian guerilla fighter, a rabbi and his congregation...and a lot more. Through excellent storytelling, Ripley weaves together these stories to both explain "high conflict" and offers great counsel for how to move out of it, and perhaps even avoid it. But the point that resonated the most for me is her discussion of "good conflict"--something that sometimes gets lost in a lot of conversations about peace and mediation. Curiosity is key. But we have to make the space to allow for curiosity. Also a key point about the conflict-industrial complex: "To keep conflict healthy in an adversarial world, the encounters can't end... But keeping the conversation going in a huge challenge in a country where people increasingly live, date, and marry in their own political tribes. As in any segregated society, encounters won't happen naturally." (273). I would have liked more about managing the sustainability of this process.

So, it takes work. The book offers many resources about how to do that work, but Ripley's main focus is how to identify high conflict in the first place. There are some major tips for preventing it as well: investigating the "understory", reducing binaries, marginalizing "firestarters", buying time and making space, and "complicating the narrative." It is this last one that I think is seldom talked about as part of reducing binaries. There is value in complexity, it turns out--sometimes we call it nuance--but actively seeking out the complexity can help us foster good conflict, instead of high conflict.

Ripley's writing is accessibly human, but backed up with research and journalistic insight. She seems to practice the humility necessary for good conflict, even in the way she approaches this topic. She shares the stories of people with care and consideration for multiple truths and lived experiences. This is an EXCELLENT book for a group read of folks who work together, but really most people could benefit from considering a thoughtful approach to conflict (rather than conflict avoidance, or firestarting, as polar extremes).

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2023 #42 Tranquility by Tuesday (Vanderkam)

 

Tranquility by Tuesday: 9 Ways to Calm the Chaos and Make Time for What Matters by Laura Vanderkam
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Importantly, the four star rating is for the content, NOT the mode of delivery. If you do not need to listen to this as an audio book, I would highly recommend buying it in hard copy for several reasons. Each chapter is very formulaic in structure, but the "Your Turn" sections will be more effective if in a workbook mode (hard to do with an audiobook). Vanderkam has a pleasant voice, but one can only emote so much when reading numbered listicles and anecdotes. There probably is a more engaging way to convey the material, and at times the delivery sounded like AI generated text to voice, and the enthusiasm behind the directives started to sound mechanical as well.

All of that aside, there is some really good advice and the participant responses are helpful to a point. The book looks at each of Vanderkam's 9 rules (outlined on her website but given in brief here):

Give yourself a bedtime
Plan on Fridays
Move by 3pm
Three times a week is a habit
Create a back-up slot
One big adventure, one little adventure
Take one night for you
Batch the little things
Effortful before Effortless

One of the overarching points that seems to be at the root of all the suggestions is to have increased awareness of one's own energy, and let it be the guide when determining what commitments we make. This was particularly useful in Rule 8: Batch the Little Things. Initially it feels like the opposite of a GTD (Getting Things Done (TM)) approach in some sense although really more of a recontextualization of an Inbox review. The emphasis here is on the "capture" mechanism that GTDers will recognize, rather than doing the little thing right at that moment. A good way to think about it is if doing an inbox review, the little actionable things go to a "Batch List" rather than a "Do it" if less than 2 minutes. I appreciated this because it acknowledges who hopping into email to answer something quickly can easily derail the bigger more important thing you are doing/about to do. Vanderkam says a two minute task can easily turn into: a "task hydra", a rabbit hole, or a procrastination cycle wherein you start doing a bunch of small tasks because now you are at the computer. Immediate reward supplants the longer term gain, in other words. She provides further guidance: Don't batch during your most productive hours, but set time aside maybe in the dip of the afternoon when your mental faculties aren't as energized and fresh.

Along similar lines, Rule 9 (Effortful vs. Effortless). Vanderkam encourages using pockets of leisure time (or even time confetti, a term coined by Brigid Schulte) for something more engaging like reading, rather than mindless social media scrolling. It isn't that she is suggesting one always read in lieu of social media, but to consider the more "effortful fun" first for a larger reward--working toward completing a book, for example. You will never reach the end of Instagram, she reminds us.

The narration of the study occupies too much space, and would have been more interesting if something had failed. While the narrative incorporates participant struggles, it starts to get tedious having the same structure applied to every chapter. While the book could have been shorter, it is still a worthwhile read, especially if you are skeptical in reading the list above. She does include anecdotes from participants who were initially reluctant or were immediate naysayers, and that did address my own reaction from time to time.

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2023 #5: Standing At the Edge: Finding Freedom Where Fear and Courage Meet (Joan Halifax)

 

Standing at the Edge: Finding Freedom Where Fear and Courage Meet by Joan Halifax
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Listening to this book was profoundly meaningful. I've admired Roshi Joan Halifax for her balance of earthy sensibility and intentional spirit-ness (which I use distinctively from spirituality). The book examines five "edge-states": altruism, empathy, integrity, respect, and engagement. In recognition of Thich Nhat Hanh's wise caution: "no mud, no lotus", Halifax unpacks each of these edge-states to dig into when altruism goes awry, when we can suffer empathic distress, recognizing empathy as a precursor to compassion (but not compassion itself), when mouthing off is just sanctimony and not principled moral outrage (integrity), and so much more. It would be enough for her just to speak to her own experiences--as a social justice advocate, a volunteer at maximum security penitentiaries, a hospice caregiver, a medical anthropologist and psychologist, founder of the Upaya Zen Center, and probably half a dozen other things I don't even know about. She brings in amazing stories, but also grounds a lot of what she shares in neuroscience and psychology. Roshi Joan is quick to credit all the various figures from whom she has learned (formally, and informally), and it is worth listening to the acknowledgements at the end of the book, because she says each name with intentionality and it is a very impressive list. She integrates introductions to concepts like Stephen Karpman's Drama Triangle, pathological altruism, the Hungry Ghost (in Buddhism), Darwin's original concept of natural selection unmodified by Spencer, David Halberstam's account of the self-immolation of Thích Quảng Đức in 1963, horizontal hostility/peer-aggression, Clark Strand's concept of meditating inside the life you have -- the list goes on. And even with all of this in there, her gentle but firm narration keeps it all digestible and meaningful.

Far from a feel-good self-help book, this is truly an honest investigation of what it is to be human. She offers some suggestions for practice, but ultimately she uses powerful metaphors (ending with a astounding story about her experiences at a charnel ground), storytelling, historical documentation, and scientific investigation, to help us grapple with our own condition(s). She holds up others: Fannie Lou Hamer, Florynce Kennedy, Laurance Rockefeller, and so many others. She shares their stories as well as her own. Roshi Joan offers a contemplative practice model to help guide us through these moments that challenge us at the edge, but one that is centered in active presence and acknowledgment of systemic injustice and our individual biases. This is not a stick-your-head-in-the-sand approach, but instead one of intentional centeredness to create spaces of mutuality and trust. I'll be returning to this often.

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2022 #38: Say What you Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication (Sofer)

 

Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication by Oren Jay Sofer
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This is one of those books that I listened to as an audiobook but will probably get in print as it is full of useful and practical advice that I'll need to revisit (no doubt). Oren Jay Sofer grounds his work in the principles of Nonviolent Communication developed by Marshall Rosenberg. What I really appreciate about this book is how cleanly it intertwines philosophy and practice and maintains a realistic tone.

I found Chapter 4, in particular, really useful in terms of how he frames and discusses underlying beliefs and how those translate into exhibited behaviors. In Chapter 6, the discussion of empathy vs. sympathy was really eye-opening in the clear way that Sofer explains that empathy asks something of us, whereas sympathy is disconnecting from someone's pain, or could even be pity. I think a lot of people (myself included) can easily confuse the two, and empathy, frankly, requires some work. It is "three-dimensional": cognitive, affective, and somatic. He touches upon a similar topic in Chapter 13 where he focuses on sympathetic activation and what that looks (and feels like).

Sofer does understand that these techniques need to be paired with some sort of intuition. He pulls out anecdotes from his own life -- in this case a story about his grandfather and how his methodical application of questions to his grandfather got a bit lost in translation and his grandfather actually felt patronized. Sofer seems realistic that these things take practice and the ultimate goal is for organic communication. He offers exercises that can be practiced in a variety of situations, and a ton of added resources are available on his website.

There are a few extreme examples that didn't resonate as much. The story of the woman who "disarmed" an intruder using nonviolent communication principles irritated the cynic in me. Yes, certainly, I think it is always the right choice to try to communicate, if possible. But that's not always possible, and the intruder's response had a VERY high chance of being different, so I just don't find it that useful to use extreme examples as "evidence" for anything, ultimately.

Personally, the book helped me realize how often I have been a passive-aggressive communicator, and this is through the stories of everyday communication that Sofer shares. For Sofer, speaking, listening, and being in presence -- principles that Sofer outlines in the first chapter and then returns to in Chapter 12--are the key elements of the dance that is communication. I found it a helpful analogy to think of communication as a dance, and Sofer is fairly nuanced in considering contexts for those dances. Reaching mutual understanding first before heading into the problem solving phase of a conversation is one of the most potent aspects of what Sofer espouses. Sometimes we don't have the luxury of doing that, it is true, but to really let it inform a core understanding of communication might be a game-changer for some.

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2022 #26 Happiness: Essential Mindfulness Practices (Thich Nhat Hanh)

 

Happiness: Essential Mindfulness Practices by Thich Nhat Hanh
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

As this is a very practice-based book, I'm not sure it is the best choice as an audiobook if one wants to have the information as a reference (and doesn't want to take notes). That said, there are some really choice and good practices...some of them particular to group settings (and adapted from those at Plum Village) and others that are generally good philosophies to carry. I find the ecumenical ties encouraging: the "Today's Day" practice, for example, is very much akin to the "Haec dies" of Christianity (This is the day that the Lord has made), and a lot of other traditions that ask us to live fully in the present day and be glad for it.

I appreciated the acknowledgement that not everyone can "walk" (when discussing the walking meditation), but would have preferred some more robust alternatives rather than suggesting those who cannot walk "support" those who can. This has been one of my concerns about physical practice of meditation over all---it can be ableist. I appreciate the more flexible approaches advocated by Ten Percent Happier and others in terms of having a choice of "anchors"--not just the breath. That said, I appreciate that a lot of what comes from Thich Nhat Hanh is echoed with a slightly more secular undertone at TPH.

I did find myself wondering how parents find some of his recommendations for parenting, as he does not have children, of course. I'm not a parent, but some of the recommendations struck me as very idealistic and probably better suited for something like Plum Village rather than a household, but I am speculating. I also wondered if some of the peacemaking approaches might enable people to stay in an abusive relationship, because everyone "suffers". He does address this at times, but I can imagine that someone who has had their sense of self so altered by abuse might interpret this as a responsibility merely to communicate their suffering, rather than escape from it.

Edoardo Ballerini's narration is calming in and of itself, and now I feel that I cannot remove his voice from my reading and understanding of Thich Nhat Hanh--this is not a bad thing. He makes listening to this work a rather meditative experience with peaceful intentionality.

This is a good overview of meditative practices that can be incorporated into every day life: eating, walking, resting, communicating....so "Happiness" is an apt title. As with most of Thich Nhat Hanh's works, the Buddhist foundations are there as a point of reference, not dogma, so there is much here for those that are looking to embrace a mindfulness practice without a religious connection.

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2022 #15: Taming the Tiger Within (Thich Nhat Hanh)

 

Taming the Tiger Within: Meditations on Transforming Difficult Emotions by Thich Nhat Hanh
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

This is a series of aphorisms and meditations to help us ground ourselves when faced with their own anger. There isn't really an overarching sense of "book", but it functioned more as a long 45 minute meditation on the nature of our own anger and the impact it can have on those we love. Thich Nhat Hanh's wisdom is rooted in Buddhism, but shares much with many other meditative practices and religious ideas. While nothing was overly revelatory, the gentle narration and the reminders of meeting our own anger before reacting to it were helpful during a time of inner turmoil.

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2022 #12 Deep Work (Newport)

 

Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World by Cal Newport
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I don’t waste time writing long reviews for books I hate, so let me say that. But I need to be critical of Deep Work because there are really solid and good ideas, but there does seem to be a whole lot of privilege and confirmation bias at work as well. In an interview with Newport for the Hidden Brain podcast (https://www.npr.org/transcripts/75433...), the host, Shankar Vedantam remarked, “I'm wondering if some people might say your advice is really advice for people who, in some ways, are at the top of their food chains.” Vedantam also addressed the impact of one’s “deep work” on other people, something that Newport does not discuss with any…depth. I remember cheering when Vedantam took him to task (gently) because I had spent much of the interview thinking about how little resemblance Newport’s “case studies” had to my own life and experience. Yet, there was enough that I decided to read the book.

There are some serious gaps in Newport’s logic toward application of the “deep work” model. First, he seems reticent to accept neurodiversity, or at least address it. He merely notes: “If you instead remain one of the many for whom depth is uncomfortable and distraction ubiquitous, you shouldn’t expect these systems and skills to come easily to you.” (37). Fair enough, but what’s missing is any kind of guidance or attempt to explain how to meet these additional challenges. I’ve become quite engaged in mindfulness (something Newport addresses), and I admire how Jeff Warren (at Ten Percent Happier) talks about his own ADHD and how that works with mindfulness, rather than just saying “it’s a challenge”. I also bristled a bit at Newport’s underlying assumption of elite and economic goals. Take for example, this footnote: “Giving students iPads or allowing them to film homework assignments on YouTube prepares them for a high-tech economy about as much as playing with Hot Wheels would prepare them to thrive as auto mechanics.” (31) Deep Work, it would seem, does not allow for modern creativity, unless that creativity translates into computer programming (Bill Gates), or the countless other high-economy examples Newport uplifts. He seems to know the “less-skilled” (his words) exist, but fails to acknowledge that much of the status of high-skilled workers and the “superstars” can at some point be attributed to resting on the shoulders of those less-skilled folks. And it might surprise him to know that there are those academics (like this one) who don’t lie awake at night worrying about our h-index on Google Scholar.

Newport does seem to tone down the privilege in the “Deep Work is Meaningful” section, which resonated more than the initial “Deep Work is Rare” section. He surprisingly connects it to ideas of craftsmanship and even a “glimpse of the sacred.” (89). He references the medieval quarry worker’s creed, quoted in The Pragmatic Programmer: “We who cut mere stones must always be envisioning cathedrals.” (89) That’s one framing of the sacred, I suppose. But there is value in the doing, sometimes, and that more…Zen…concept seems to elude Newport.

In Part 2, Newport presents four rules designed to “reduce the conflict” of being a “disciple of depth in a shallow world.” (97) It is statements like the latter that made me roll my eyes on more than one occasion. He does, however, allow for different philosophies of deep work or deep work scheduling, at any rate: the monastic, bimodal, rhythmic, and journalistic. Here Newport seems to do the most to engage with a multitude of circumstances and approaches. The section on ritualizing behavior rests on a plethora of pre-existent productivity literature, but even here, Newport sometimes favors the privileged. His advice to “make grand gestures” as a way to motivate oneself to deeply work is supported only by the single example of J.K. Rowling checking into a ritzy Edinburgh hotel to finish the last of the Harry Potter series. In addition to Newport’s point that the “grand gesture” (in this case paying more than $1000 per day for a hotel room) can be motivating, I assume being able to pay that (or take a “Think Week” like Bill Gates, or summer on a tiny island in Maine like Alan Lightman), might also be a rather motivating factor. Perhaps some examples of more economically realistic grand gestures (for those who might not make six figures or beyond) would solidify the wisdom behind this directive.

I found Newport’s small section on architecture and layout most capitvating, particularly because he called upon his own lived experience at MIT, instead of making grand pronouncements about things he does not engage with (e.g. social media). He is critical of the open-floor plan “serendipitous creativity” model, and his argument for “hub-and-spoke” architecture, wherein “both serendipitous encounter and isolated deep thinking are supported” (131) is very convincing. And perhaps the greatest take away moves the architecture into the land of metaphor: “Expose yourself to ideas in hubs on a regular basis, but maintain a spoke in which to work deeply on what you encounter.” (132)

Another truly valuable discussion is that of the “lead vs. lag” measures of 4DX (The Four Disciplines of Execution). Newport suggests that to measure one’s success, there need to be “lead” measures that will drive the success of the “lag” measures—in other words, short term goals that are fundamentally important to larger objectives. This echoes the wisdom of many productivity systems and philosophies, including David Allen’s exhortation to remember the “steps” to get to the destination.

It is Rule #3 that I found the most…vexing: Quit Social Media. Despite not using it himself, Newport can’t help but be rather judgmental about Facebook and Twitter, but his caution against the “any-benefit” mindset is useful. He asks us to do a true “cost”-benefit analysis of using a network tool, remembering our ultimate baseline. He reveals his own bias when he notes: “We don’t have to argue about whether these authors are right in their personal decisions to avoid Twitter (and similar tools) because their sales numbers and awards speak for themselves.” (194) The baseline metric for Newport is clear, and it arises every time he attempts to work with his own biases. All that said, the diagnostic Newport offers to apply to our own social media behavior is valuable, but flawed in one key aspect: it does not take into account how others wish to engage. Networking does imply communication with people other than ourselves. The deep work model is rather uncompromising, and this extends to Newport’s critique of social media. While a phone call to a dear friend to catch up might be more meaningful for me, perhaps it is important to them that I’ve seen the latest photos of their children on Facebook. Missing from the discussion (although Newport briefly notes it) is the nuance of WHO is in our Facebook networks, HOW we engage with it, and the question remains that using Facebook and having a “thriving and rewarding social life” aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive or one-size-fits-all. Still, asking ourselves how much FOMO informs the time we spend online is useful.

Newport’s practical advice may not be so practical for a lot of people, but that doesn’t remove its value. Like any productivity model, Deep Work has a lot to offer—both philosophically and strategically. I plan to implement many of his suggestions during my sabbatical, and I’ll be running a few “experiments” of my own. While Newport’s perspective that the road to hell is paved with tweets seems a bit biased and hyperbolic, we could all likely benefit from an audit of what “depth” means for our own lives and workflow.

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2021 #13: 10% Happier (Harris)

 

10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in My Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works by Dan Harris
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Truly this is more of a memoir than a self-help book and I was glad of that. Harris is witty, and although his adverse reactions to the "touchy-feely" stuff have become a bit of a schtick for him, his practical application of his own come to... Buddha?...moments, is inspiring for its realness. The book is structured really well as it follows Campbell's Hero's journey more or less, although notably cycling back through departure here and there.

I came to the book AFTER learning about the app, which I have used daily for over a year, on the recommendation of my best friend. I've just recently started engaging with the podcast. Normally I'd be cautious of the enterprise of it all, but I do think Harris has keyed into something really important here. Enlightenment is not the goal, but finding the benefits of--as chapter 10 so elegantly notes-- "not being a dick" is more healthy than you might think. Harris walks us through many of the "typical" meditation experiences: reading/meeting Eckhart Tolle, reading/meeting Deepak Chopra...and chapter 7 takes us along for his first multi-day meditation retreat. For folks who squirm at the mere thought of a meditation retreat--this chapter is for you--and no, not because it might sell you on the idea of going to a retreat (it probably won't).

Harris's casual style and humble honesty about his own struggles is very effective in helping craft something that isn't a typical self-help book, but instead one of those stories to which almost everyone can find a way to connect. Some of the best nuggets are not about meditation, but about life--whether it is getting glued back to his iPhone directly after the retreat ("The habits of a lifetime reassert themselves with astonishing speed...." (150)), or noting the 90% challenges ("The ego, that slippery son of a bitch, would use fatigue as an opportunity to sneak past my weakened defenses." (204)). Harris's own self-consciousness is the real delight and lesson here---the memoir is an exercise in mindfulness, albeit not of the present moment. But if we can learn to seek out clarity of what is happening in the present moment, it bodes well for the future that will inevitably see these presents as pasts.

50BC09 #9: The Renaissance Soul

The Renaissance Soul: Life Design for People with Too Many Passions to Pick Just One by Margaret Lobenstine


rating: 3 of 5 stars
This is a book that is definitely geared toward those in the market for answers. While the author provides good information and some of the exercises were helpful, I felt the anecdotes became tedious as did her spectrum markers of Mozart and Ben Franklin. A lot of her work is an adaptation of Getting Things Done (GTD) principles (which are themselves consolidations of other work). For example, what Lobenstine calls "intention markers," GTDers will know as "next actions." The "Focal Points Worksheet" serves the same purpose as GTD's "Weekly Review"



I do think it will be a helpful book for anyone feeling guilty about having multiple career paths or life goals...or for those who just don't know what it is they want to do. Lobenstine's "PRISM Test" is a good basic set of questions to ask oneself when embarking upon a professional or personal goal: Price, Reality, Integrity, Specificity, and Measurability. The basic point of the book is to free "Renaissance Souls" from the fetters of career rigidity.